If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

Do you know the difference between professional girls and amateur girls? According to Cynthia Heimel, "Professional girls are desperate for a boyfriend with a platinum Amex card. Amateur girls are desperate for a boyfriend who can deliver a good punchline". Unfortunately men love the professional girl with her perfect hair and eye shadow, while the hapless amateur girl struggles in the back of the room to dislodge the toilet paper stuck to her shoe. Then Men wonder why they are only valued for their wallet. This is only one of the many phenomena that Heimel skewers in this collection of essays. She also takes on the lack of good roles for women actors and modern dating, and talks about watching her son and his friends grow into men. Heimel is like a girlfriend you can always call at two in the morning who will make you laugh every time. She has several other collections, including When Your Phone Doesn't Ring, It'll Be Me.